So I thought I'd tackle the subject of singleness because we are in that dangerous time of year again for singles, the approach of Valentines day. Loneliness and the weighty cloud of futility are the real giants that need slaying in the month of February, so here I am again writing about romance and singleness.
On the subject of Valentines day, let me point out once again that St Valentine and his love has nothing to do with flowers, chocolates or an exclusive romantic one on one relationship. I was shocked when I realised Valentine was a martyr for Christianity and his Valentine was a blind adopted girl who God healed from her blindness! The root of Valentines day is about being the fragrance of Christ to those in your world and being ready to die for your faith, which really couldn't be further removed from the weird commercial enterprise that Valentines day has become. (Click on the link here and read what the true root of Valentine's day is all about.)
Now, before I go on let me just clarify something. I am writing this piece as a 47 year old, about to hit 48 in a couple of weeks. I have been waiting for my elusive husband for decades. I am not a young adult who is getting a little impatient. I have been playing this single game for nearly 30 years. That is a long time. Some of you have never been single for more than a few years. I am talking 3 decades !
I am not made for singleness. I am very good at it but I recognise that I have not been called to remain single forever. There is a special double portion of grace that is given to those who are called to singleness. There is a recognition of the situation and an embracing of it. Remaining single is not something you fall into, it is a choice and it has to do with life purpose and calling.
I am not one of those people. I am very clear on that. I have been destined to marry someone very special and that has never changed.
Since I grew up in the church I have spent 40 plus years of my life sitting through countless services where the leader celebrates how many years he or she has happily been married and everyone cheers and claps the big numbers. We sit and clap for the 20th wedding anniversary. We stand and clap and cheer for the 30th wedding anniversary. The numbers just keep getting higher. Next we have the 40th wedding anniversary. Then we give a standing ovation for the 50th wedding anniversary. I've been around long enough to know that the message conveyed is that keeping married is a battle, but it's a fight worth fighting and a huge blessing.
Great, I agree. But the subtle undercurrents of this truth are that those of us who are on the outside are excluded from this massive blessing. This is a party we haven't been invited to enjoy and now we are being asked to celebrate the couples good fortune.
I used to laugh it off but I am beginning to feel increasingly frustrated with these little back slapping ceremonies. It might make a refreshing change to honour those that have withstood temptation and remained true and faithful for 3 decades. To honour those that have taken on the financial and emotional burden of running a home alone. Doing housework, cooking meals, paying bills, putting out the rubbish, mowing the lawn, keeping the car running, booking holidays, waking up to their birthday alone. Doing all of what are usually shared responsibilities as well as holding down a job. And all without the support of a partner. Without the encouragement of a husband or wife who will give them a hug at the end of a difficult day and say ...
" Well done, thanks for all your hard work. "
I have also sat through countless baby dedications, prayed for the couple to have wisdom and strength to raise their children well. Again, the message that is received is that having children is a blessing and those of you who have failed to have children are not blessed. It was fine to watch all of this in my twenties, even in my thirties. There was still hope that one day I would join the ranks of the married and have children of my own. But as I approach 50 that little spark of hope is slowly fading.
Again, there has been very little congratulating or celebrating those of us who have lived under the restrictions of self control. There is not much honouring for those of us who haven't been free to enjoy the pleasures of sex and getting pregnant.
I have prayed for countless friends to find a partner and they have. I have watched the kids I baby sat grow up and get married and have their own kids. It is painful and there comes a point where you start wondering what the heck is going on and why are you still single?
As far as you can see you are not a difficult needy person. You aren't unattractive or psychotic. ( Although I've just taken a look at the photo above and realised I have one glove on and one off, like a weird Michael Jackson impression!) You are whole and have accepted that you can happily live alone and don't need another to compete you. You have everything to give and yet you seem to be hidden.
People are full of unhelpful advice to those of us who are still single and still believing that we will one day be married. Here are some of my favourites.
" There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just need to get yourself out there and start looking. "
Seriously! What do you think I have been doing for the last 30 years? Hiding in a cave!
" You were just too busy with a career weren't you? You should have thought about this earlier."
And what is heavily implied is that you have been living a selfish life while everyone else knuckled down to the hard labour of marriage and raising a family. Another slap in the face for those of us who gave away our lives to missions and charity work because someone had to respond to the call and everyone else was chasing a career and busy making money.
" You have been too fussy. What you are looking for doesn't exist."
Really, well God must be lying when He said that He was able to do ... " superabundantly, far over and above all that we (dare) ask or think, infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes or dreams. " Ephesians 3:20. I must immediately cut that part out of my Bible !
I think your marriage partner is the one thing you should be extremely fussy about. This is the biggest decision of your life. Of course you should be fussy. No-one ever gives that kind of stupid advice to someone choosing a good school for their child.
I can write about this painful subject with a smile on my face because I have spent so long pondering on the subject and wrestling with God over what steps to take to keep myself sane in this lengthy waiting process.
I once asked God to make me wise. I was only a teenager when I asked. I was trying to be noble & mature and thought I'd succeed if I didn't ask for anything selfish but instead asked for great wisdom.
Well ... God answered.
He gave me wisdom in bucket loads. What He didn't tell me at first was that WISDOM is a person. He is God himself and gaining wisdom is about knowing Him intimately and hearing His voice.
" The sheep that are my own, hear and are listening to my voice." John 10: 27
It really has been an honour to be counted as a friend of God and to have been given an insiders look at His heart.
" He hides away sound and godly wisdom and stores it for the righteous. He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity." Proverbs 2 : 7
I have enjoyed that shield and I realise now that I have been hidden and that even though I kick against it, He has kept me under His cover.
There is a second road to wisdom, and that is life experience. Learning from your mistakes and other people's mistakes.
In the past I found it very easy to lean towards obeying all the rules and listening to wise advice. Wisdom has been a wall of protection around my life which has kept me safe but sometimes a little bored. I couldn't really see any appeal in a life lived without boundaries and without God's involvement. There was no atraction to selfish living or a hedonistic lifestyle for me. With hindsight I realise that I was too busy dealing with my home situation to have the energy or vulnerability needed to explore a romantic relationship. To be honest I was so distracted with growing in my faith that there was no room for anyone else in my life.
Yet in my late 30's I began to become aware of an increasing irritation over myself and my clean living. Countless times I have sat in church services and I listened to this familiar story of the Prodigal son and it has annoyed me because I always identify with the older son and never with the prodigal. I know the Father well and everything He has is mine. I live in my Father's house metaphorically. We are family and so I live the life of a princess who is well looked after and provided for.
I should have been content but to be honest I found myself slightly safe, irritating and predictable. Self righteous, not making mistakes, remaining good and true. Serving and being faithful. I realised that I couldn't relate to the rebellion and self indulgence of the prodigal son and so I asked God to help me to let go of the religious respectability and learn from life and people and mistakes.
Watch out with any honest prayers to God. Never say 'Use me Lord.' unless you mean it. Never ask for Him to 'change you' unless you are ready for His pruning. Never ask Him to 'humble you!' He will take you at your word. Be warned !
My wish was granted and as I look back I can smile at how the Lord has answered. I have been able to learn loads about God's incredible kindness and grace in the area of failure and shame. I have let down the barriers and allowed myself to be involved at the deepest level with the broken and wounded and those who have not known how to build their lives back together.
I have learnt from my own mistakes and those of the people around me. I don't want to expose or shame anyone so I won't expand here, but all I will say is that my wish was granted and I can understand better the position of the prodigal son. I still don't feel I will ever fully relate to him because I have never left the Father's house. But at least I can say I have been given a glimpse of the pain that the Father suffers when His kids wander off and decide to fix their problems out of their own strength. I have seen the mercy and grace poured out, the utter devotion and lavish love He pours upon us.
There are so many stories I could tell you but I only really set out to answer one question in this blog. And I haven't done that!!
So I'm going to leave it here for now. I will write more next week because there is so much to say and so many answers to the question ... WHY AM I STILL WAITING ?
