Ok, so I admit that the last blog post had an overload of exclamation marks because I was indulging in the need to vent my frustrations. SORRY.
My aim is always to build up and not to tear down. There is nothing worse than a judgemental critic who happily points their finger but doesn't put in the time required to find the answers. Look around you at the number of people who have opinions on our political system at the moment but give approximately zero time to uphold our politicians in prayer. It's too easy to point the finger in judgement. We need to be finding solutions and doing the hard work ourselves, not expecting someone else to fix things for us.
In the same way I am not here to whine about 'poor old me.' Last week I needed to set the scene & paint the picture. This week I will write about a few of the answers.
So WHY AM I STILL WAITING?
Our churches are full of Christians who are single and are waiting. We are our own worst enemy because we have become so good at waiting. We wisely fix the need for company with church community. We are not alone, we have a massive family. We don't need one special romantic relationship when we have loads of strong friendships. We didn't make the mistake of putting all our eggs in one basket. We don't rely on just one person to fill the loneliness void. We know that we need to be whole in ourselves and in our relationship with God. Hence we don't expect someone else to complete us. That old line ... YOU COMPLETE me is a lie. We have that one nailed and we are not falling for it !
God is to blame for the church being full of single Christians.
To be more specific. It is the Holy Spirit's fault. Our new covenant with God gives us special access to Him and an ever present help living inside us. The Holy Spirit has only been hanging out inside His people since the resurrection of Jesus, before that He used to just touch down and then move on. Hence King David could mess up badly and claim a married woman for himself, sleep with her and then proceed to cover up by killing her husband. And yet he was still counted as a man after God's heart and a friend of God? That is craziness and it stinks of self indulgence and a lack of self control. The difference between David and you and I is the Holy Spirit. We don't get to make those kinds of mistakes very easily. We have the Holy Spirit in us every day, leading and guiding us. He won't let us get away with it.
For the desires of the flesh are opposed to the Holy Spirit, and (the desires of ) the Spirit are opposed to the flesh, (godless, human nature); for these are antagonistic to each other (continually withstanding and in conflict with each other), so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do. Galatians 5 : 17
We have been equipped with the solution that has also become the problem. We have been given an instrument that enables us to overcome the need for instant gratification and the natural sex drive. In handing over the fruit of the Spirit, God gives us the upper hand in every situation.
But the fruit of the Spirit (the work which His presence within you accomplishes) is love, joy, (gladness,) peace, patience ( an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness, (benevolence) faithfulness. Gentleness, (meekness, humility) self-control, ( self restraint, continence. )
Galatians 5: 22, 23
Self control is a fruit of the spirit. When temptation hits the Holy Spirit rushes to our rescue. No need for physical punishment and mental gymnastics, we are given the gift of self control!
Patient endurance is another one. Another fruit of the spirit. Patience is given to us and the church is full of singletons who have learnt to use it. It is a massive weapon that we have been given and we are using it. It is a medicine for the impatient world we inhabit but also the reason so many of us are waiting.
I often complain to God about His inbuilt security system and how it has stopped me messing around and possibly having lots of fun. I allow myself a tiny bit of self indulgence occasionally but He never joins in my pity parties. He just smiles and tells me to shut up. If He removed this wonderful gift of the fruit of the Spirit I would destroy myself and hurt many others in the process. There is no fun in addiction or a life lived without restraint.
Being a Christian gives us a supernatural weapon that makes the waiting game a whole lot easier. I always laugh when I hear someone say that the devil is just waiting for a chance to trip you up. He will wait years to catch you out. The devil isn't waiting for anyone. He isn't equipped to wait. He has no fruit of the spirit, therefore no patience. He blows his cover every day with untamed desire for attention. He can't help showing off & blowing his own horn. Boasting about what he has tricked us into doing. I recently found a nicely packaged curse sitting under my car and another laced around my front door. I took it as a compliment and laughed out loud. First rule of thumb in warfare, don't show your hand. Second rule, know your authority level. A curse undeserved does not alight!
In the same way the world around us has no patience. Instant gratification is the name of the game. You can see it all around you in the advertising world. 'Don't wait this is your last chance! Buy it today.' Buy it now. Pay later. (And let us charge you 227% interest on that loan!) Instant images, instant videos. Instant celebrities. A massive onslaught of distraction for our senses. No wonder TINDER is such a big hit.
So we can pat ourselves on the back and say, WELL DONE. One of the reasons you are still waiting for your husband/wife is that you are using the fruit of the Spirit. Self control & Patient Endurance.
But I understand. You can also argue the point that it's no good just sitting around waiting for something to happen. If you repeat the same daily patterns, you will get the same outcomes. I've heard that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Just living your life and waiting for the love of your life to come and knock on your door is not helping anyone.
I understand the frustrations of waiting. We get weary as the years slowly tick by and we and try and fix the situation ourselves. In a world that is set up to solve problems, it is tempting to try and take things into our own hands. I've done it myself. E Harmony. Oak Hall holidays. Christian Connections. I have met some very interesting guys. There was Mark, the Ghanian prince who liked playing Polo and was buying himself a cottage in Richmond but couldn't quite manage to tear himself away from his business deals in Texas to give me his full attention. There was Dominic, a ridiculously good looking man who had packed in a divorce and still managed to have a child with another woman while trying to win her to Christ! There was John, the violin player from Petworth who I met online, but when he realised we were both attending the same church disappeared into thin air since I now was placed too close for comfort. I won't bore you with the long list of men I have met.
I know that this is the solution for lots of people. They meet someone they connect with and live happily ever after.
My story is different. I have tried to give God a helping hand. But it has failed.
I could tell you the story of Daniel the American pilot who I pulled out of thin air with my words & my faith. That was incredible and slightly scary. It all started with a testimony from a man who bought a bikini and asked God to fill it. His wife now wears that very bikini !
Inspired I bought a tie and then wrote out a very specific wish list for my husband and gave it to God. I made my request, I believed I received my request and then I backed it up by talking like he was real to my friends and family. He was an American Christian, from a long line of believers who had chosen to be a pilot as a career. I even was brave enough to give him a name. I chose the name Daniel. ( This was all influenced by my years living in Kenya and attending school with MAF missionary pilot families.) I believed that God had heard my very specific request and talked to anyone that would listen about my future husband until the day he showed up and rocked my world in an expensive Surrey Mansion. I choked on my canape and narrowly avoided spraying everyone with champagne when I was introduced to Daniel, the pilot who flew the speaker over for our meeting. Young handsome American man of God. It was like something out of a movie. I nearly fainted in his arms.
What I couldn't understand was that I knew him but he didn't seem to recognise me. About 6 months of this went on, I would see him at meetings or conferences and even stayed in the same home once in Holland where we had a conversation about the Victoria Falls while he ironed his smart 'captain of a private jet' shirt. I promised God not to manipulate him by saying anything. And so finally I let it go. One day when I get to heaven God can explain what that was all about.
Then there was the one I fell in love with by watching an old You Tube video of his career. I was just checking who the guest speaker was at a local church and googled him like we do nowadays. I found the link and as soon as I saw him and heard his voice, I instantly knew that this was the man for me. I felt like I had known him from days of old. I had a picture of this very man, or at least one very like him, cut out and pasted into one of my teenage journals. He had been in my life all along, hidden until I saw that You Tube video! I knew I had finally tracked him down. He was now in his 50's and still single. What are the chances of that? A handsome man who had avoided being caught by someone else. And now I had seen the video I understood what he had been up to all these years. He had just been very busy with the Lord. Perfect. He was handsome, talented, kind and funny.
I found out where and when he was next speaking locally. It was easy, God had already given him friendships in my church world. I went and spoke to him twice over the course of 6 months. The first time he was very polite and promised to come with me to a summer party, but then he never showed up. I reasoned he was busy and distracted and as we were in the middle of a heat wave, he was too hot to focus clearly and was having a melt down.
So I tried a second time, speaking to him after another church service. He was polite and gentle but again he seemed to have no idea that he was talking to his future wife. I promised God I would shut up and not manipulate anything myself so I walked away. And that was the end of that .... ( I do still stalk him every day on INSTAGRAM, only joking. No seriously, actually I do! )
Yes, Faith without works is dead ( James 2:26) but be careful about getting too involved and trying to manipulate your situation yourself.
I don't find it hard to love. It is easy to love people when you are filled with God's Spirit. (Love bears up under everything and anything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything without weakening. 1 Corinthians 13 : 7 ) Falling in love is never the issue for me. Infact, the more single people I meet, the more I realise that we are the ones with the biggest capacity to love. We are not limited to just loving one person, one compact family. We are the ones who love large numbers of people at the same time. Struggling friends, the homeless, the difficult personalities who no-one else has time for. God gives us His hurting and wounded and trusts us with more than the single family unit. Our capacity to love is like God's, too big to be limited to one partner.
I don't find it hard to be around men. 3 of my best friends are male. On the whole I find male friends easier than female. I never received the gene that many women have, the need to talk about their feelings. My phone is hardly ever used. I don't need constant affirmation or social catch ups.
Moving on - As well as chemistry and connection there has to be God's YES to the relationship. From listening to those I respect I know that there should be a sense of knowing each other. Of recognising each other. Of certainty. An understanding that you are destined to do life together. A sense of God's hand on the relationship. An acknowledgement of something that is just right, perfect. A joy, a celebration that this is right.
( For more on this subject can I recommend this link to SAYABLE and a specific article written around the subject 'Is he the one?' )
Christians are not foolish. We know when it's right.
But we also know when it's wrong and that's what keeps us single.
We are geared up to select a partner for ourselves. We look for chemistry, connection, timing and calling. These are all the right things to be using to judge a relationship. Do we have chemistry? Is there a deep connection that feels a sense of being known and being accepted. Do we have the same core values? Is the timing right for both of us? Are we better together than apart? And finally, do we compliment each others calling?
And this is often where the men I meet fall short. They have no idea of why they have been placed here on earth. They don't know where they are going or what their role in God's plan is. If they don't know who they are and where they are going then how can I partner with them?
If a man can't hear from God himself, then he is not able to hear correction and most probably will work really hard at fixing things in his own strength. If he can't hear God for himself he will not have access to a well pool of wisdom & insight and is highly likely to get stuck in a rut. If he is unable to listen to God's direction he will probably be wandering round and round in circles with no long term goal or direction to his life.
If you partner with the wrong person for your calling at some point you will compromise on who you are or they will compromise to keep the relationship going.
All of my serious appraisals of the men in my life have ended up with the conclusion that this is not right. Either the timing is wrong or the person is wrong.
The end of a relationship feels like failure. It feels like rejection. But it is not. It is a promotion.
REJECTION IS PROTECTION & PROMOTION -
"God kept me away from those that would damage me and kept me away from those I would damage. " Lisa Harper, 54 years, gorgeous & single.
It shouldn't take long to know if this is right or wrong. And when you know it is going nowhere, get out. Don't feel like a failure. You just got promoted.
Also, be aware of timing. It is a crucial key to the question WHY AM I STILL WAITING ?
IF GOD ORDERS OUR STEPS & WE ARE STILL SINGLE then the conclusion we have to come to is that either we are not in the right place at the right time, or our partner is not in the right place at the right time. That doesn't mean it won't happen. It's all about timing.
' Many plans are in a man's mind but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand. '
Proverbs 19:21
What God joins together will have his fingerprints all over it. Clearly it will be His doing and that kind of marriage is the one that should not be broken. Both must hear clearly from God that this is His doing. That is what keeps marriages together. Covenant. Not feelings.
We are so quick to condemn divorce and overlook the fact that some marriages were possibly not set up by God. We forget that it is what God has joined together that should not be separated - Not what man has brought together. It upsets our religious respectability to acknowledge that we got it wrong and God now has to rearrange things to get us into the right place with the right person. Divinely ordained marriages are what I am talking about. Toure Roberts & Sarah Jakes Roberts taught me about this one. Second marriages are sometimes the answer. ( For more reading around this subject I recommend SAYABLE and Lore's article written around being the second wife. )
What therefore God has united ( joined together,) let not man separate or divide. Mark 10 :9
In the end He does work all things together for the good of those that love Him. Bad marriages can lead to great things! Children are conceived. They are a gift and not a mistake. There are no illegitimate children. Just illegitimate parents. Don't be so hard on those who are divorced. In some cases they are just accepting the inevitable. God didn't bring them together. Yes, even good Christian marriages. How many actually heard God say ... this is the one for you? How many panicked because they made a mistake and then covered up with marriage? How many got bored of waiting and took a leap into marriage without any direction from the Father?
Marriage should be based on a clear bringing together by God. It cannot be based on the foundation of falling in love. Love is a choice not a feeling. It should not be a solution to fix the loneliness void. Many are lonely in marriage, living with someone they hardly know or relate to anymore.
I think that marriage has to be based on joint purpose. A partnership that means both will complete their calling together. It has to be about what God brings together that cannot be separated.
God is a matchmaker. Either you trust Him or you don't. You can try and make it happen or you can wait. And keep ready. Stay beautiful on the outside and on the inside. Let God order your steps. Many plans are in your heart but the Lord will order your steps.
Expect your husband to know who you are. He will recognise you, don't worry. The reason you are waiting is because GOD HAS YOU HIDDEN. He can't show you off and risk having you damaged. He needs to keep you hidden to protect you from yourself and the wrong men. ( Michelle McKinney Hammond )
So in conclusion to the big question - Why am I still waiting?
BASICALLY I THINK THAT GOD IS A MATCHMAKER & I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING MY PRAYERS ANSWERED.
I will stop here. Hopefully if you are reading this and looking for answers you have found a few. Next week I will write more around the issue of how to not go insane in the lengthy waiting process that some of us have been asked to take.
