It is very warm for February. I took the photo above 2 days ago, slightly freaked out to be wearing sandals around the flat in what should be the middle of winter. I thought this shot kind of captured the feeling of waiting and enjoying the experience. It is a portrait in contentment.
I finished last week by saying that I believe that God is a matchmaker and I lay the blame at His door for the fact so many of us are still single. So, where does that leave us? How do we handle the fact that God exists outside time and His sense of timing seems to be unconnected to ours? How do we live our lives and not go insane in the lengthy waiting period before we meet mr right?
Here are a few thoughts in no particular order :
Don't put your life on hold while you are waiting. Have fun. Keep living an interesting life. Dating can be so intense and false. Putting your best foot forward while you try to connect over a coffee or a romantic meal. That is not the best way to get to know someone. Life is the best way to get to know someone. See how they handle pressure. See them stretched and tired. Get around people and pay attention. In the office, at work, serving in church, volunteering.
Let me paint you a picture ... After slogging down jungle trails for 5 solid hours. Labouring through sticky mud, constantly wiping the sweat out of my eyes, swatting at insects and pulling a soaked T shirt away from my hot uncomfortable back. Carrying a heavy weight of mud on my hiking boots. Feeling the constant dripping of sweat off my earlobes and onto the back of my neck. In this circumstance when you are tired and uncomfortable, what is your response when your leader reveals that he thinks you might be lost? Lost right here smack bang in the middle of the Guatemalan rainforest !
Mine was to lose it. Internally I was exhausted and angry. Jason laughed and cheered everyone along with his positive 'we can keep going, this is not a big issue' attitude. I was impressed. What comes out when you are under pressure is crucial. Fortunately our leader was just playing an April fools day joke on us and we weren't at all lost. But that moment revealed to me how good it is to be with men who are positive and resourceful when I am feeling weak and irritated.
In a similar way, working at the JH Ranch was a great revealer of character. How does he respond when he hears that his job for the summer is to empty the trash truck every day for 8 solid weeks and not get paid for his labours? Will he rise to the occasion or wilt with frustration? (Well done Wade. Click here for my previous post - an ode to the JH Ranch ) Life is where character is revealed. And long car journeys.
I don't find parties are the best way to meet people, I'd rather meet over a shared interest or activity. When I met Matthew I was skiing with a large group of people. It was the perfect way to relax and get to know each other in a natural way. After a day full of sunshine & snow in the mountains, it was his choice of book left resting on the dining room table that first caught my attention. It was an account of Ted Simon's motorcycle trip around the world. When this interesting man followed it up with the story of his close encounter with wild fires in California, he really had me hooked!
He painted the picture well of driving away from a Ranch in Santa Monica in an old Mercedes with a pot bellied pig and 3 chickens squeezed onto the back seat of the car. Leaving behind a trail of dust and a home full of memories while the scorching flames raced towards the property pushed along by a strong wind. Nice storytelling and at last someone who had lived through a few adventures and wasn't chained to the TV screen. He followed it up with an account of living in the Himalayas for a few weeks with Buddhist nuns. Yes, he lived in a women's convent if there is such a thing for Buddhists and not where you would expect him to be, with the men in the monastery. What on earth?
And happily I had my own tales to share and wasn't limited in my own storytelling endeavours. It gives me a kick to share about the afternoon Jessica & I were arrested up in the remotest town on the border of Northern Namibia for being South African spies. Or explaining how we crossed over into Angola under false identification with a car full of cigarettes for bribing border guards. ( For more on Namibia click here.)
Keep living your life to the full and if like me you have been waiting decades, at least make sure your life is not on hold waiting for mr right.
Be firmly planted in the right church for you. My life has turned around for the good ever since the day I felt the Lord say... " It's alright. You have my permission to leave." I had been faithfully battling on for 8 years in a church where I was beginning to feel more and more disconnected. Since I have it built into me to not quit, to commit to a church and remain firmly planted in one place, it took this little whisper to get me moving out of a situation of stagnation and allowed me the joy of coming alive again in a creative church that I am so proud of. Having a dynamic church on my doorstep with a global influence and Bible based teaching has been a life line for me. It's not like we are lacking excellent churches in my area, or that my old church had anything wrong with it, I just needed to be plugged in to the right place for me to flourish.
It is important to have friends of the opposite sex. Having men in my life brings balance. They see solutions to problems much faster than women. They tend to be more light hearted. They are loyal uncomplicated companians. In the end you should be marrying a man who can be your best friend. So get good at having deep honest friendships with the opposite sex. Let men feel needed. They are reliable friends.
When evaluating a friendship that might be leading to more, ask yourself - What material is he cut from? Who are his friends? How does he treat his parents? How does he relate to his mother? You will receive similar treatment. He will age like his father. You will age like your mother. Take a look at his parents and see if you can grow old with that reality.
Foolish self indulgent men will disqualify themselves. Don't worry. God won't let things remain hidden. Trust that God will talk to you about any deceit. He is very capable of bringing into the light those things that are hidden in the darkness.
If you allow a man to be more than a friend, if you end up in an exclusive relationship and it becomes clear that you are not going to get married, end the relationship well and keep the friendship if you can. Obviously this is not always possible and sometimes your best option is to completely exit each other's lives. But as Alain De Botton pointed out, your family, your parents, your friends may not feel able to tell you the real truth about yourself. But your ex will. Take his advice. Learn from his observations. Keep him in your world. An ex knows you well and can give you some honest insights. Keep in touch with your ex. Your relationship was an investment in time and emotional energy. Don't cut your losses and run. Learn from what wasn't quite right. Talk about what went wrong. Give him some help moving on. Be kind to yourself and to him. And if your friendship circles overlap, don't ask your friends to choose sides. That is foolish and you will just lose half the people in your life.
Let people in. Be vulnerable. Make some mistakes. In the end you will be richer for making them.
You need a man who listens. You can't be the voice of God to him. He must hear for himself. How else will he be able to emotionally support you? He needs to be led by God's voice. Able to discern it for himself. Otherwise how will he be able to partner with you? You don't need to carry him.
Don't expect him to read your mind or for you to read his intentions. I am amazed at how many men expect me to read the signals right when I have no idea what is going on in their heads. Non of us are mind readers. Communicate well. Be intentional in checking that the message you are receiving is the actual one he is sending. In the same way let him know what's going on, where your relationship stands.
Both of my serious relationships were initiated by the man himself. One with a letter of intent, the other with a simple .." If it's alright with you, I'd like to hang out with you." Both of those situations worked for me because I was given a clear message without any confusion over what was going on.
If you need to clarify things, find a way to talk in a non confrontational, non threatening environment. The old line 'We need to talk' is terrifying for many men. They guard their hearts in the same way we guard our bodies. Ease yourself in with a walk together and get the ball rolling.
Take time getting to know who you are and what your gifting and calling is. Know your purpose. If you don't know, how can you evaluate if this is the one you can partner with? You might discover too late what you are made to do and then when you are wrongly matched you will either compromise the calling or the person.
Too many have no idea who they are, where they are going or what their role is. If a man doesn't know, steer clear. If he can't hear God's voice for himself, steer clear. If you don't know who you are then you are not in the right position to start a relationship. Do some digging to find out. If you have no idea where you are going or what you want out of marriage, then take the time to think these things through.
In the past few years I have come to understand exactly who I am and what gift I bring to the world. I am a peacemaker and can bring calm into any storm. I am a great listener. I hear people well. I am gentle and kind and can lift up those who are broken and discouraged. I am a writer and an artist who can communicate through images and words what others feel vaguely. I am an intercessor who sees and hears what is going on spiritually and changes the outcome.
Take holidays with friends, family, the church. It can be hard taking holidays on your own and booking trips where the single room supplements punish those of us who have no-one to share a room with. Finding people who are free at the same time as you are to take holidays can be tricky. It is an issue we face but there is always a solution waiting to be found. Time and time again I have turned to Oak Hall for a holiday. Whether it is a weekend in Paris, biking in Italy or skiing in Switzerland. They have given me a safe way to spend time away with relative strangers. It is not everyone's cup of tea but it works for me.
Buy yourself flowers as often as you can afford it. No need to wait around for special occasions or for a special someone to buy them for you. You know what you like. You know what puts a smile on your face. Bring back arms full of colour and fragrance. I love flowers and I certainly am not waiting around for man to buy them for me.
Learn to cook. Eating a meal together is in essence communion. It is a great gift to any man or woman. The kitchen will be the heart of the home. If you hate cooking and you don't want to learn, that's your choice. You will need lots of money to eat out all the time or possibly you can hire a chef. Embrace restaurants & fast food or find someone who can cook. But don't let laziness or selfishness steal this essential joy from your world. A kitchen and a dining room table are where fellowship happens. Make room for them in your life. It's about priorities. If your priority is to find and buy a big flat screen TV with an awesome sound system then it is highly likely that you are going to be investing your time and energy into consuming Netflix. If you are more interested in having people around for meals, a large dining room table, a load of cutlery and crockery and some chairs are what you should be investing in.
Dress well. He needs to notice you. Unless he has incredible attention to detail which in my experience not many men have, he won't see you if you are hiding in a crowd. One guy used to ask me why there seemed to be a certain look that British Christian women took, short hair, flat shoes, no make up. He felt that we were all hiding beneath grey drab sack cloth and ashes. I have a pair of flat leather boots which I like to imagine make me look artistic and bohemian. He labels them my spinster church mouse boots. Ouch!
Male friends have given me all kinds of inappropriate advice. But in the end it is true, he will notice your appearance before he gets to know your personality. I have been told to flirt more. To wear more colour, especially red. Wear dresses and skirts and heels. A high heel changes the way you hold your body. It works every time! I even had one godly man tell me to wear a bikini to work - Seriously. This is the advice I have received from the men in my life. Shallow but true. Unless he notices you he won't know you are there.
And a hint for men. You probably already know this, but take a tip from your African brothers ...
( Photo Credit - Hillsong Guildford)
A sharp shirt and jacket will get our attention every time. Those old jeans, the leather jacket and baseball cap are comfortable but ... Don't ask us to dress well and think you can get away with a T shirt and faded denim.
Oh and don't forget to smell good. I remember one man telling me that I always smelt delicious. I was going through a phase of wearing DUNE perfume. Although, don't over do it. I once came home to find mum lying on the sofa looking sick and telling me she had overdone the perfume and was feeling incredibly nauseous. A hint of perfume sprayed into the air and allowed to settle is the way to wear perfume. Don't spray it on your neck, it will discolour your skin. Too much sprayed behind your ears will overpower your own senses and knock you out like it did for my Mum !
Don't put your life on hold financially expecting a man to rescue you. Buy a house if you can afford one. Get your pension sorted out.
Respect the men in your world. Feminism has a nasty insecurity that tends to squash men. We probably need to get rid of the word feminism and find something healthier instead. Yes, I agree it is time women were paid equal salaries and had equal rights, but not at the expense of the male race.
We are not physically as strong, it is not your job to physically match a man. Don't lose the magic that makes you feminine due to the pressures of secular, militant feminism.
Stay busy but not too busy to make time for a relationship. Sometimes we are just too busy. We have filled every minute of the day with activity and none of that includes making time for a husband. You can appear to be so capable, so content, so fulfilled that no man will have the courage to approach you. You can be so busy that you don't have the time to notice what has been right under your nose all of this time.
Enough of me on this subject. In conclusion - if all else fails, ignore everything I have said and listen to my Dad's advice ...
"It's the woman who chooses the man Julia. Women always make the choice. We leave them to make their minds up."
My experience so far is that this is NOT TRUE. I can list 4 men I have chosen who have not chosen me back. But maybe I will one day be proved wrong.
In the meantime, while I wait, I have found myself a swing and am enjoying my freedom!
