humbled ...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick - but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life -

Proverbs 13:12

MONDAY - Today is an indoors day. It has not stopped raining for hours. It is a day of wet drizzle. A day that encourages staying inside & staring out of the window, as swirling wet curtains of moisture drench the dry summer garden. Today is a day that is perfect for writing.

As July closes I confess I am disappointed and weary. My heart is sad. Sometimes I scare myself by reading the passage in the Bible about the end days when men and women become more lawless and selfish, when deceit and arrogance rise and hearts grow cold! (Matthew 24:12) The reason I am sad is that I think we are there now. I look across our secular society and can't believe that we are still arrogantly trying to navigate this season in our own strength. The body of Christ has been on its knees for months and yet the world still stands angry, over analysing, intellectualising and desperately looking for a human solution with zero reference to our Creator.

I was brave in March, but now we are about to enter August I am feeling disillusioned.

I'm not going to write a long piece on this weariness. We have all lived through it. We are now in Week 19 of this Covid19 paralysis. Just a couple of weeks away from the 5 month mark.

This season has tested us. It has brought into the open many issues that are broken in our world. What saddens me though is how this humbling has not brought much humility. The arrogant disregard of God continues. The finger pointing & blaming has not been silenced. Proud and full of self righteous declarations, our societies continue to plunder the earth and each other.

As I said. I was brave in March. But now as we enter August I am humbled and weary. When will this virus be erased? Where is the revival? My hope has been deferred. Where are you God? My heart is sick! But in taking my complaint to the Father, He has only ever smiled and said ... 'I know.'

In His quiet affirmation of my weariness I have known that it is the immense joy of the fulfilled desire that He smiles at. A longing fulfilled is a tree of life. He smiles because He knows what is coming and how abundant the life it will bring will be.

THURSDAY - I was rereading something I wrote in my journal this morning -

Then those who feared the Lord talked often one to another; and the Lord listened and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him of those who reverenced and worshipfully feared the Lord and who thought on His name. 'And they shall be mine,' says the Lord of hosts, 'in that day when I publicly recognise them & openly declare them to be my jewels (My special possession) (My peculiar treasure.) Malachi 3:16,17

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending time with a new friend. We walked through the gardens at Loseley and began sharing our lives. This was our first lengthy conversation. We met last year but only had a couple of minutes to chat back then. But yesterday we talked for a couple of hours. And as we shared what has been going on in this Covid season my heart was lifted. Like the verse above says, we talked and I know He listened. We encouraged each other and I felt my strength returning through our time chatting.

The treasure I spent time with walking in the garden is a special lady. She has the same name as mine. Our hearts are knit together by our love of the Father & His Son. We both love writing. Our stories are similar but also very different and unique. We are both Julia's - our name means youthful. We are both young hearts who are childlike in our faith and our walk with the Lord. We are both Stevens - our surname means Crowned. We are daughters of the King. When she texts or calls 'Julia Stevens' pops up as her identity on my screen. It is like a message from myself. Very unsettling but also reassuring. Me, myself & I !

I was excited to share the garden at Loseley with her. This garden has been a place of healing for many over the summer. I have a window that overlooks it and from up here I see so much. In the past I would watch bridal parties enter. Sweeping through in bright dresses. High heels tottering. Suited men and elegant women. Children in party frocks. Proud parents and excited friends grasping champagne flutes as they made their way through the rose garden.

Sadly the weddings have ceased in this season. But over the last few months the garden has come alive again. Now through the gates I watch couples, families, the elderly, the young, the weary enter.

I have watched them come through the garden door tentatively. Many enter rubbing their hands with sanitiser. Once that action is completed they walk out into the sunshine and pause blinking - surveying their surroundings and getting their bearings. At this point children often run with delight towards the grass and the flowerbeds. Little girls dancing in their summer dresses. A mother lifts her head and lets the sun soak her face. Her shoulders relax. The tension dissolves. She & her children are safe here. She can relax.

Many that come are older. Elderly couples still holding hands. Sometimes one of them has a walking cane. They wear sensible shoes and sun hats. She points at the flowers and compares them to her own at home. Pointing out familiar floral faces. Individuals she recognises and loves. New varieties. Chatting and pointing and sharing. He walks behind smiling. Happy that she is happy. Happy that they are both still together and alive.

I pray over them. Over all those who enter those gates. I pray for hope to rise up. Where the weeks have turned into months and the disappointment has crept in - I pray for joy to bring strength. I pray that the peace in this place invades the dark corners where fear may have crept in. I pray that the weary will come and rest.

Yesterday as Julia & I were walking across to the moat an elderly lady caught my eye. She was seated under the Cedar. Sitting at a table in the shade. She was surveying her surroundings, keeping an eye on a younger lady who was returning with a tray of tea for her. She sat upright, regal in her posture, wearing a long flowing summer dress. I saw her and she saw me.

Julia & I walked on - but something about that lady stuck with me. I was drawn to her. She looked special. Bohemian. Aristocratic. From the bank above I looked down & caught her eye. She looked up and smiled and I almost went to her. But she was a stranger and I had a visitor with me. So instead Julia & I walked on down to the moat.

Later on as Julia & I were sitting chatting in the white garden, seated on my favourite bench in the shade, overlooking the fountain - into our line of view she came, the eccentric old lady with the young lady. They walked slowly round the garden exclaiming over the bounty of lush beauty.

This time I couldn't ignore her. I was drawn back to that lady. I went over and asked if they would like to sit on the bench which in my opinion is the best spot in the garden and the coolest on a hot summer afternoon. They were a mother and daughter. Squeezing in a few more minutes in the garden before closing time. They were looking for the toilets. They were delighted to be here. Delighted to discover this secret hidden place.

I talked to the daughter but it was her mother who captivated me. She was wearing make-up like a little girl. Sweet rosy lips and bright cheeks. Mascara and a plastic necklace and earrings. Her flowing summer dress slightly too big for her diminished frame. My heart melted. She reminded me of my mother. She wanted to be seen. To be noticed. To matter. On the outside she was fading but inside she was still a little girl. Her glory had faded but I saw her beauty.

Long after we had moved on, after the day ended, images of that elderly lady kept returning. I couldn't get her out of my head. So I wrote this little piece about her. As I reflect I think she caught my attention because she reminded me so greatly of my own mother.

I talked to Him about it and He explained some things about my mother. It was sweet.

I don't really know where I am going with this. Maybe I just wanted to honour an elderly lady on her special day out, in her flowing long summer dress with her make-up on and her jewellery. To let her know that she is seen and valued and beautiful.

And maybe I just wanted to celebrate a sign & a wonder. A new friend with exactly the same name!

Finally - we are all weary but keep going. Stay humble. This might be a longer deal than we imagined. It might take 40 years in the wilderness to work through societies stubborn, stiff necked, uncircumcised heart & ears. (Acts 7:51)

Pace yourself for the marathon!

I need to take this blessing given to Henri Nouwen by his spiritual mentor to heart ...

'May all your expectations be frustrated,

May all your plans be thwarted.

May all your desires be withered into nothingness,

That you may experience the powerlessness & the poverty of a child

And sing and dance in the love of the Lord,

God the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit.'

Amen.